Where does one start? Here? Back then? Where?!
The idea of writing has been bubbling away in my brain for a while, and then I manage to pop the bubbles, tamp down the urge, and bury it. And then those bubbles resurface, like a giant bubblebath. Pop, pop! Rinse, repeat.
This time, though, I thought, I'm NOT going to let that happen. So, I created this blog, and got all excited about what I was going to write about.
Cut to a few days later, and suddenly I'm experiencing an unfamilier angst about what to write. Shit. What is this feeling, and why am I having it? It can't be writer's block, because I'm not someone I would label as a writer, but it's there, and it's annoying.
So, where do I start? There's almost 58 years' worth of memories crowding my mental archives, and it's driving me insane.
"Once upon a time"...
No, no! Too fairy tale-ish, and if there's one certainty about my life, it's the lack of anything resembling a fairy tale. My life has been about a childhood filled with moving, growing, living, loving, and then an adulthood with all those things plus losing, grief, death. And not just losing a child or a husband. Losing myself. There's also been happiness, loneliness, ecstacy and guilt. There have been thin days, and fat days. Many, MANY fat days (years, in truth). There have been endless diets, starving myself physically, starving my soul emotionally. And exercise. Soooooo much exercise, with absolutely nothing to show for it. Goddammit!
The constants through all of these years, though, has been music and creativity, through assorted mediums. Knitting, cross-stitching, taking photos, knitting again, beading. Years and years of sewing tiny beads into sparkly, pretty things. I've drowned myself in those hobbies, and my life is still, to this day, littered with keepsakes and reminders, as well as an overabundance of supplies! And I would be lost without my camera phone. I've taken photos for years, and I used to keep my Nikon DSLR camera charged up and in my bag, ready for action, but since the advent of a decent camera phone (thank you, Samsung!), I've been using that to snap memorable moments. Or quirky things that catch my eye. Colours, shapes, locations, seasons. Digital snapshots to aid my mental archives, along with the endless soundtrack I've curated along the way. So many songs triggering memories of moments when that song hit the hardest. The happy songs, the sad songs, the "our" songs. The songs that formed part of a eulogy I never expected to write at 50.
"La-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, I just can't get you out of my head..."
It's all there, swirling in my brain, goading me to make a start... sigh
But as a wise man once said "It doesn't matter where you start, it matters that you start."
Thanks, Ed... I love you, too.